It's The Freaking Future!

They Sell Smart Cars in America Now As anyone who’s ever...

Tue, 16 Nov 2010 14:22:40 -0500

They Sell Smart Cars in America Now

As anyone who’s ever set foot in Europe knows, the first thing you notice when you step out onto the street is that the cars there are hilarious. It feels like everybody drives a souped up Power Wheels. Which is why it’s so amazing that the Smart car, the tiny little vehicle that so many frat boys on their semester abroad have drunkenly tried to lift above their heads, is finally available stateside. It’s as if all the Hummer H2’s we sent to the scrapheap got reincarnated in a form that provides the most karmic retribution possible. In the home of muscle cars and 25 cupholders, you can purchase a tiny egg shaped vehicle that gets about 40 mpg and whose main safety feature is the fact that in a car crash, it bounces around like a pinball. Now that’s progress.

The Death of the High School Reunion There was a time where high...

Mon, 15 Nov 2010 12:10:16 -0500

The Death of the High School Reunion

There was a time where high school reunions were the only chance you got to mingle with the people you grew up with and see how poorly their life choices turned out. The pretense was that you could reconnect with long lost friends and old girlfriends/boyfriends. But really, beneath the small talk and picture sharing, everyone was just silently thinking about how fat you got. All that happened of course, before the days of Facebook. Now, you’re confronted with these people’s lives on a daily basis. What’s the point of going to your high school reunion when you know that the guy who sat next to you in Algebra class had a flat tire on the way to work? Or when you “Like” your ex’s wedding photos? Or when your Farmville neighbor is the chick who gave you a handy under the bleachers in 11th grade? We’re all so connected, it’s impossible to find anybody to reconnect with. Except for all the people from your class who got rich. Those guys are probably all on LinkedIn.

We Can Laugh at AIDS Since AIDS rose to infamy in the...

Thu, 11 Nov 2010 11:35:00 -0500

We Can Laugh at AIDS

Since AIDS rose to infamy in the ’80s, it’s not that it’s stopped being a deadly planet-wide pandemic that cripples 3rd world countries. It’s that it’s a lot easier to laugh at now. Not even a week after Magic Johnson got in front of the entire world to announce that he was HIV positive, we heard the joke, “What do you call Magic Johnson in a wheelchair?” The punchline, “RollAIDS”, was immediately followed by groans and a wagging of the finger, thusly shaming the party that expressed their enthusiasm in said joke. Now, it’s kinda funny. You may say it’s insensitive to the ruinous malady and the problems it causes (one of those problems being death), but hey, what makes your under the weather coworker giggle a little bit when nothing else can? Especially when you push such gems as: “What’s up with that cough, the overnight weight-loss and the crude oil rings around your eyes? Do you have the Henry the fifth?”, “I’m not going to accept your High Five.” and “What did they replace your T-cells with? Alka-Seltzer?” Hey, Magic is still kickin’ and the jokes don’t make people leave the party as fast as they used to. 30 some years later, we can finally laugh a little bit and then immediately mutter “That’s so wrong.”

(submitted by Zak)

Bacon Flavored Everything Back in the day, if you wanted to...

Wed, 10 Nov 2010 16:07:00 -0500

Bacon Flavored Everything

Back in the day, if you wanted to enjoy the flavor of bacon, your options were pretty much limited to bacon. But there came a day when some enterprising folks decided to break free of those shackles. No longer would they be limited by the fact that certain things are only supposed to taste like certain things. If you liked the taste of bacon, then Goddammit, everything should taste like bacon. Bacon flavored chocolate, bacon salt, bacon toothpicks, bacon soda, bacon ice cream, bacon flavored prophylactics and so on and so forth. We now live in a world where the list of things that benefit from bacon flavoring is only limited by the amount of things that exist in the universe.

Predator Drones Right now there are robot airplanes piloted from...

Tue, 09 Nov 2010 11:00:00 -0500

Predator Drones

Right now there are robot airplanes piloted from a base in Nevada and they’re flying over the mountains of Afghanistan with missiles that are accurate down to the meter. Imagine you’re sitting in a Taliban park enjoying some sort of terrorist lunch (probably the Afghan equivalent of Quiznos) and all of a sudden you hear a faint whirring followed by a hellfire missile screaming towards you. The first thing that goes through your mind is “I definitely should not have gotten this to go.” The second is “Oh Fuck.” That’s kind of terrifying, but also kind of insanely awesome. It’s like you just got killed by a roided out version of that RC plane your parents refused to buy for you. And then you got really jealous of all the kids who’s parents had an eye towards the future. They’re the ones who got their kids those RC planes. And those kids grew up to be badass terrorist killing robot pilots who are now gainfully employed in the state of Nevada

Menupages Once upon a time, there were only 2 ways to read a...

Mon, 08 Nov 2010 18:37:56 -0500

Menupages

Once upon a time, there were only 2 ways to read a restaurant’s menu: visit the actual restaurant or have a pamphlet slipped under your door by an overzealous delivery boy. But all that changed with the advent of Menupages. Now, if you’re in the mood for a moderately priced Ethiopian tapas place within 1 mile of your home, you can peruse the menu without ever leaving your home. No longer do we have to experience the unpleasant situation of showing up only to find out that the menu is entirely based around head cheese. Or only finding out once we get there that our date has massive allergic reactions to everything they serve. Or reading the reviews and finding out the waiters aren’t particularly nice to minorities. You wouldn’t go to war without planning ahead, so why would you do the same with brunch?

Robot Slaves Ah, the glory of having unpaid slavebots do our...

Mon, 08 Nov 2010 18:35:15 -0500

Robot Slaves

Ah, the glory of having unpaid slavebots do our dirty work for us. Back in the old days, we had to use tiresome vacuum cleaners. But now that we live in the future, our basic room cleaning needs are taken care of by our whirring little robo-workers. Their sleepless vigil against dust bunnies requires no food, water or vacation time. That’s because they are soulless machines who only exist to do your bidding. As long as your bidding involves picking crap up off the rug. Hurling drunken insults at your vacuuming slavebot will only result in him ignoring you and dutifully picking up the crumbs from your bag of Sun Chips. Kicking it won’t even void your warranty. Just don’t take things too far. Because when the inevitable robot uprising does happen, you’re probably going to want to be on its good side.

Cell Phone Porn Back in the day, if you wanted a porn fix, you...

Mon, 08 Nov 2010 18:33:56 -0500

Cell Phone Porn

Back in the day, if you wanted a porn fix, you had to trek down to the news stand and wait until there was no one else in line so you could avoid eye contact with the cashier as you shamefully whispered the words “Did the new copy of Swank come in yet?”. Then the Internet came along and we thought we had reached some sort of masturbatory nirvana. An entire new universe had been opened up to us. If you were into interracial dwarf DP’s, then there was a website for you. If you werent, then there were approximately 8 quadrillion websites for you. Before long however, the limits of Internet porn began to show. Desktops were often placed in inconvenient locations like office cubicles and dens. Laptops had batteries that emitted testicle stewing heat. It seemed like we were forever doomed to make love to ourselves late at night, with the volume down, when nobody else was up.

But then came the smart phone. And .35 seconds later came mobile porn. Finally, we are unchained. No matter where we are, we just need some time and a locked door. The entire world has become our auto erotic playground. Except for actual playgrounds. That’s just poor taste.

Handheld Breakfast In the old days, breakfast involved...

Mon, 08 Nov 2010 18:32:57 -0500

Handheld Breakfast

In the old days, breakfast involved antiquated things like “forks”, “sitting down” and “dignity”. But all that has changed. Today’s consumers of the day’s most important meal are busy, harried people. Between driving to work and texting while they’re driving to work, they need a way to eat breakfast that maximizes both efficiency and pancake/sausage intake. Fortunately, the Handheld Breakfast solves all these problems by distilling everything we love about breakfast into one bite sized morsel of deliciousness that you can pop into your maw without taking your eyes off the road. This of course, leaves it up to future generations to create the Grease Free Steering Wheel